LOVE OF A LIFETIME

JAN3110

I don't know if I should be writing this now. Haaaaaaay. My eyes are of low reading capacity right now, it was soaked in fluids a moment ago. And still pouring, once in a while now.

Something really important happened last midnight. I talked to someone who I considered my knight-in-shining-armor (though it's been years since I last saw him), my one-and-only, the love of a lifetime.

I was planning on talking to him for quite a while. It wasn't easy, he's not in the country, so I have to really know what to say, when to say. But last night, was the night, I guess. And it was a smooth one, I told him how I felt, and I'm glad he took it lightly and we're still friends.

I like him. NO, that was an understatement, I adore him, I love him, for eleven year now. And remember what they say about regretting things you haven't said, that I was the reason I told him. Cause after some time, maybe 10 or 20 years, I'll go back and say "I hope he knew" or "I hope I told him". And now that he knew, what now? I was okay with it, we're still friends, and I'm glad we still are.

He was someone Im sure of. But I can't be. Weird huh? I kind of suck at having someone because no one I can compare to him. Yes I shouldn't be comparing but it will be unfair to have someone if I knew I liked and love Touch. At times I thought woah, I can love this guy, and I write mushy stuffs and blogs about that someone else, ([say goodnight and do the highlights], [YM, LSS and FL], [Untitled]) but as time goes by all I could think of is that, "shit I still want Touch". And to think that all those blogs I wrote for someone-else are the sweet ones, am I writing all those just to make myself believe that I can love somebody else, or I don't know.  For goodness sake, for years, I don't now what to do, but to stop, ignore and reject someone just to deal with the feeling that never seem to go away :|

The good thing about loving Touch is that I can't feel anything else but happiness, like no bitter stuffs and all. All I have are beautiful memories about him, sure there are ugly things that happened, but I'm so good at blocking all of them that all good memories remain :) When I re-read my blogs about him, I always have that feeling of heaven and it's crazy :)) ([Somewhere Only We Know], [BACK =))], [fishing ;p], [Uncapable of Being Unnoticed], [Showers, Pillows and Chocolates], [Grow Up] ). Some of this blogs pa are super short, I mean speechless most of the time, but gaaad, it's the happy feeling.

The sad part was that I used to blame "not saying" to be the reason that I can't move on, and now, there is no reason that I can't move on, cause he knew. They say it was the final stop, my turn to go on the opposite side of the road. It was sad because saying things to him is a license to move on, way to oblivion and reason to let go.

"You idiot. I have loved you...forever. I have loved you when I was coupled up. I have loved you when I was single. I have loved you every second of every day..." (Teddy, Grey's Anatomy S6EP10)

But then again, I'm glad we're still friends, and for that I'm thankful :)